I want to begin by saying that I know I am the tendency that you speak of, the queer tendency toward immolation and self-annihilation, that I want to blow up the artificial sun of this world, to go off the rails, to end the nightmare.
It hurts and is gut-wrenching to know that I am my mother’s child.
I can’t give a proper followup to the beautiful and eloquent love-letter you wrote.
I am the exact type of tendency where I can’t be caged by the standard social control mechanisms, that factional bitterness is where I feel at home only to destroy the factions until we are all once again individuals, that I want to bring the war home (I of course gleefully fight in the war on terror), that I love the energetics of forward motion “the speed and violence of action”, that I want to BLOW UP THE SUN, and I am sometimes otherworldly possessed by the necromancy I use for strength, our dead, the tortured souls, the “past” locked away and attempted to be solidified as “history”, that I foolishly play with arcane magic as I tight-walk the razor-wire.
Honestly nothing feels right unless I am teetering on the edge, every breath shaken and the involuntary panic responses only met to be suppressed or channeled as I’m in the present, sharpening my panic response, and my love for adrenaline. Regardless, I am in constant exploratory practice with these magics, these thoughts, this desire, this tight-walk, and I know that at the end of it all, we are cutting our teeth on each other, in play, and on this world, and that’s the most valuable part of it all.
THE FIRE
I did not light a fire at the warehouse rave, I did not set a table on fire, I did not punch that person, or smash someone’s phone. However regretful, or reserved I am for not doing these things, I appreciate the rumors that I engaged far more intensely (with conflicts I absolutely engaged in) than I actually did. There of course is a sweet kernel of truth beneath the embellishments of all these rumors and I won’t delve into them because it’s cooler, funnier, amusing, unimportant whether people think I did these things or not. I’m only setting this record straight as a response to a clearly burning affection for the tendency, and for the acceptance of the sharpening of teeth, of wrestling, fighting, shouting matches, roses and thorns, the invitation to have it out, and to stick around for it.
I wish the tendency was not our only hope, that we all seriously help contribute to a combative desire, I wish to be arm in arm, eyes shining in combat, in conflict, enraged. In my opinion, the sharpening of our weapons and the magic we wield should not be an isolatory project to be held by a select few, but a gift or contribution that can be picked up, experimented with, built upon, supported by, contributed to by anyone who desires to direct their energies against authoritarianism and domination in the walk towards anarchy. I dread the shuttering of a specific tendency towards isolation or closing off from the rest of anarchism, or assuming itself as unique enough with the self-righteousness to willfully isolate itself, abandoning in a bitter departure. I have more hope now than I ever have, but combativeness can easily and quickly be recuperated, shuttered, isolated, and washed over if we do not engage with it meaningfully and honestly.
CONFLICT
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get messy, let’s engage in the raucous filthy love, let’s cut teeth, let’s get and give hickies in promiscuous filthy degeneracy, let’s start off into the night in our filth.
I agree that we know through disunity and conflict and through honest clarity where our affinities are, where our disagreements lie, we sharpen our teeth on each other.
Don’t ever tell me to give a shit about what others might think to sanitize my actions. I don’t want santization and if the only response is that I didn’t sanitize myself enough to be presentable and well recieved, then I don’t want to hear it. I am a filthy degenerate queer who wants to destroy this world. ‘
The weekend of BB23! I had a wild and conflictual time where I engaged with my desires, got conflictual, and hopefully sent some conflicts to at least different places, poking holes or tearing threads in their social fabric. It was raucous, and I did everything I set out to do, and then some. I’ll leave the details of gnashing of my teeth against individuals out of this.
I would’ve liked to see a better curated set of workshops than an overflowing list crammed into time slots, however maybe it’s up to me to set out the inspiration to create better workshops? Maybe I just don’t love most workshops? Maybe I suck at time-management? IDK I don’t care, I wasn’t there for most of the workshops anyways.
I’m excited to get into it with y’all again(everyone else at BB23), to have it out, to cut our teeth because if we need anything at all, we need to be better at getting into conflict, in all its messy imperfect glory.
We only ever learn to be better at being in conflict if we engage in conflict
We only learn to manage risk if we take risks
We only learn to act by acting
We only learn to not be cowards by moving past cowardice
More Orgies! Honestly, I’m surprised that there wasn’t more in general.
More Action! I don’t want to pretend to feel self-placated from the late night walks I took shaking with rage solitarily deciding to break whatever felt good. I don’t want to feel like the sprints and giggles of my normal destructive tendencies are enough for me. I’m tired of an anarchism that breaks a bank window and writes a communique telling the cops to fuck off, but that’s off topic for this.
COVID
On the topic of santization, covid protocols and half-measures like masking ignores the reality that you CANNOT SUCK COCK WITH A MASK ON so idk how to “suck cock not covid”, and you cannot attend a mass gathering without some level of risk, you cannot share food, smoke cigarettes, share blunts/bongs/pipes, wrestle, or engage in certain types of intimacy without risk, and risk is important for some of us, it is an understanding of what is worth engaging in and what you feel safe doing.
Thankfully, no one was vaccine checking or forcing rapid tests(that prove less and less effective as the strains mutate, and were only ever helpful 5 days after exposure). The vaccines are a fruitless booster that doesn’t stop the spread, are only effective for a month so after due to the rapid multiple mutations, and is built on human experimentation, animal testing, and the false idea of personal responsibilities for a worldwide viral illness. We would be so arrogant to think that we as humans could “solve” a pandemic enough to create absolute safety, the idea of “solving” an illness is truly eugenicist, authoritarian. Historically “solving” mass illnesses were a solution of mass quarantine, of death, of isolating “the ill” from the healthy, not to heal them or help their wellness(those in power could care less), but to preserve the notion of “public health”, which I am firmly against.
Covid has largely been used as an authoritarian power-grab for the growth of AI, surveillance tools to “map the spread of the virus”, to increase border policing, among other horrible growths in authoritarianism. There has been a carefully concerted authoritarian approach of putting blame on individuals for not socially distancing, and only ever engaging outside, or wearing masks while also forcing people to go to work, to resume normalcy, to contribute to the authoritarian nightmare of domesticated civilization. This world holds us hostage to RISKING OUR LIVES and wellness for capitalism and the smooth functioning of this hellworld. So of course when we gauge the risk of orgies, likely asbestos, mold, and heavy metal filled warehouse raves, crowded convergences of violent fags, of hardcore shows beating each other, of other intimate encounters, we choose that these are life-sustaining and attempt to orient ourselves with some ideas of risk engagement, not the idea of “safety”.
Safety is an illusion.
An alternative response as a faggot who respects some of the response from faggots during the AIDS genocide is that any proper response would rely on the complete destruction of this society, that capitalism should be railed against as a death machine, that the idea of “public health” is a genocidal myth, that the government, straights, the right-wingers heralded the death, that capitalists left people to fucking die en masse pretending it didn’t exist or blaming it on dirty sex, drug use, and that it was a faggot disease. That people watched entire communities die and the survivors became professional pall-bearers of their communities. Faggots tested experimental drugs on each other, did drugs, had risky sex, went cruising, dreamed of assassinating politicians, fought fascists in the street, educated people about the use of condoms and clean rigs. The idea that there was any safety was far gone and that it was a sad reality that faggots could not possibly do anything personal to make it fucking stop. We as well within the pandemic of covid were/are being killed, our lives are treated as disposable to be used up and discarded, we are only useful so-long as we can contribute to the upwards stream of capital, and we were/are forced to do so while risking health and wellness, any illness we contract is made our fault.
Okay, anyways, respirators are far far more effective than N95 or KN95 or surgical masks against contraction of covid, as well as protecting you from dust, asbestos, mold, whatever. Wearing a respirator can help you to almost a 99 percent effectiveness against covid. If you decide to wear a surgical mask or n95 or kn95 it still helps, but that is a larger risk.
– Love from an anarchist wolf (not a fox)
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